Recent brain research studies show that the most potentially effective and powerful way of accessing understanding and cooperation by someone whom we are bonded emotionally is “revealing vulnerability in a authentic manner”. If we can tie the present feelings with unmet early needs or something painful in our past, and my partner is able to understand the “bigger picture” or what I call “the underneath”, they are often able to shift their perception of the other. Reactivity, judgment, disapproval and anger are replaced with empathy. Though there may not be conscious recall of the early sensitivity, research is supporting the idea that our partner is most often a catalyst and not the author of the current wound. What I compulsively seek from my relationship is a clue into the earlier needs that were left unmet.